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There’s a place I go sometimes when I do not know where I stand. I go to a very blurry head space where words might mean two things at a time, and I feel the need to back away. I don’t want to be “too much” or “too wanting”. Sometimes I feel that when I have I’ve embarrassed myself and that the judgement might mean a verdict’s been given. I back away, with no warning.
Sometimes I hate I write these words, I hate I think these thoughts, worry in the corner, while life goes on outside. I’m not afraid, no I’m not he tells himself, yet shackles willingly to a wall of the familiar.
And I blame myself for not trying hard enough, and I blame myself for not counting my assets. I fear the words “not today” I fear the words “lets just not”. I know seduction, I play it well, I know that “feelings” miff me like a spell, but sometimes at night, when I’ve said all I can - I’ll write these words to the man .. that man .. can history really repeat this close together or have I entered another obsessive compulsive stress disorder.